1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:05,327 --> 00:00:09,684 (DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) 2 00:01:03,727 --> 00:01:05,797 Yes, sir, I've been around... 3 00:01:05,887 --> 00:01:10,005 Lister, have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet? 4 00:01:10,647 --> 00:01:13,207 No? Stop that and push the trolley. 5 00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:15,486 Yes, sir, Rimmer! 6 00:01:16,207 --> 00:01:19,085 Right. Corridor 159. 7 00:01:19,167 --> 00:01:22,159 (LISTER HUMS THE SAME TUNE) 8 00:01:23,407 --> 00:01:24,840 Lister, shut up! 9 00:01:24,927 --> 00:01:26,997 - I'm only humming! - Well, don't. 10 00:01:31,687 --> 00:01:35,839 Don't hum and don't make stupid sounds with your cheeks. 11 00:01:35,967 --> 00:01:38,720 (CLICKS TUNE WITH HIS THR0AT) 12 00:01:38,887 --> 00:01:42,880 0ne more sound, anything, and you're on report, my laddo. 13 00:01:42,967 --> 00:01:44,685 What job number's this? 14 00:01:44,847 --> 00:01:47,839 (LISTER MIMES HIS ANSWER) 15 00:01:49,327 --> 00:01:50,999 Right! That's it! 16 00:01:51,407 --> 00:01:53,443 "Lister, D., Third Technician. 17 00:01:53,527 --> 00:01:57,281 "0ffence: Obstructing a superior technician 18 00:01:57,367 --> 00:02:00,245 "by humming, clicking and being quiet." 19 00:02:01,767 --> 00:02:03,644 When the Captain sees this, you're dead. 20 00:02:03,807 --> 00:02:05,923 - Rimmer, I'm bored! - Bored?! 21 00:02:06,007 --> 00:02:08,157 This is essential routine maintenance. 22 00:02:08,247 --> 00:02:12,843 It's absolutely vital for the well-being of this crew, this mission and this ship. 23 00:02:13,527 --> 00:02:18,078 "Dispenser 172: Chicken soup nozzle clogged." 24 00:02:21,567 --> 00:02:23,558 Pass me a 14B, Lister. 25 00:02:28,167 --> 00:02:30,123 Lister, is this a 14B? 26 00:02:30,207 --> 00:02:33,244 Does it look even remotely like a 14B? 27 00:02:35,727 --> 00:02:38,560 This is a 14B, Lister. 28 00:02:38,687 --> 00:02:41,520 This is a 14F. Are you blind? 29 00:02:41,687 --> 00:02:43,917 - Who cares? - I care, Lister! 30 00:02:48,527 --> 00:02:51,121 It's my career. I get it in the neck 31 00:02:51,207 --> 00:02:53,437 if an officer comes along, orders chicken soup, 32 00:02:53,527 --> 00:02:58,601 and gets blackcurrant cordial with blancmange, two creams and a sugar. 33 00:02:59,887 --> 00:03:03,038 Chicken soup. (THE MACHINE HUMS) 34 00:03:08,407 --> 00:03:10,523 Yep. That's working. 35 00:03:11,087 --> 00:03:13,760 It's stupid, all this maintenance business. 36 00:03:13,847 --> 00:03:16,964 The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots 37 00:03:17,047 --> 00:03:18,958 is they've got a better union than us. 38 00:03:19,047 --> 00:03:21,003 That is absolute nonsense. 39 00:03:21,087 --> 00:03:23,078 Right. What's next? 40 00:03:23,167 --> 00:03:25,237 "Botanical gardens: Faulty porous circuit. 41 00:03:25,327 --> 00:03:28,125 "In corridor 147: Sticking door." 42 00:03:29,087 --> 00:03:31,078 It's true, you know, though, Rimmer. 43 00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:33,556 You rank below all four of those service robots. 44 00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,797 Even the one that's gone absolutely mad. 45 00:03:35,967 --> 00:03:38,845 Not for long, matey. Up, up, up! That's where I'm going! 46 00:03:39,007 --> 00:03:40,998 Not till you pass your engineer's exam. 47 00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:43,157 And you won't. You'll go in and flunk again. 48 00:03:43,367 --> 00:03:47,599 Last time I only failed by the "narrowest" of narrow margins. 49 00:03:47,767 --> 00:03:50,076 You what? You walked in there, wrote, 50 00:03:50,167 --> 00:03:52,886 "I am a fish," 400 times, 51 00:03:52,967 --> 00:03:55,083 did a funny little dance, and fainted. 52 00:03:55,167 --> 00:03:58,125 - That's a total lie! - No, it's not! Petersen told me. 53 00:03:58,247 --> 00:04:00,078 "No, it's not! Petersen told me." 54 00:04:00,167 --> 00:04:03,603 What I did was, I wrote a discourse on porous circuits 55 00:04:03,687 --> 00:04:06,963 which was simply too "radical", too "unconventional", 56 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:08,924 too "mould-breaking" for the examiners. 57 00:04:09,087 --> 00:04:11,203 Yeah. You said you were a fish. 58 00:04:12,087 --> 00:04:15,363 - Is that a cigarette you're smoking? - No, it's a chicken. 59 00:04:15,527 --> 00:04:19,918 Right! You're on report. Two times in as many minutes, Lister! 60 00:04:20,487 --> 00:04:22,398 - Rimmer, Lister. - Yes, sir. 61 00:04:22,487 --> 00:04:24,603 Yo, Todhunter, get down! 62 00:04:24,927 --> 00:04:28,397 Indeed. Rimmer, I'm going through Mclntyre's artifacts, 63 00:04:28,487 --> 00:04:33,277 and I see that you've filed 247 complaints... against Lister. 64 00:04:33,447 --> 00:04:38,840 - Yes, sir! - 123 counts of insulting a superior, 65 00:04:38,927 --> 00:04:41,805 39 counts of dereliction of duty, 66 00:04:41,887 --> 00:04:43,764 84 counts of insubordination, 67 00:04:43,847 --> 00:04:46,600 - and one count of mutiny. - Yes, sir! 68 00:04:46,767 --> 00:04:49,327 - Mutiny, Lister? - I stood on his toe. 69 00:04:49,487 --> 00:04:52,923 - Maliciously, with intent to wound. - It was an accident! 70 00:04:53,087 --> 00:04:56,363 How is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident? 71 00:04:56,447 --> 00:04:59,280 You didn't stand on my toe, you stood on my entire foot, 72 00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:02,006 obstructing a superior in pursuit of duty. 73 00:05:02,167 --> 00:05:04,601 He was going to snap my guitar in half! 74 00:05:04,767 --> 00:05:07,839 So you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot. 75 00:05:08,007 --> 00:05:10,237 - That's enough. - Had there been a crisis, 76 00:05:10,327 --> 00:05:11,919 I would have had to hop, 77 00:05:12,007 --> 00:05:14,316 putting the ship at risk, therefore mutiny. 78 00:05:14,487 --> 00:05:16,955 - Finished? - I'm not vindictive, 79 00:05:17,047 --> 00:05:18,799 so I won't apply for the death penalty. 80 00:05:18,887 --> 00:05:20,878 There are 169 people on this ship. 81 00:05:21,047 --> 00:05:24,278 You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on? 82 00:05:24,447 --> 00:05:27,917 I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. 83 00:05:28,007 --> 00:05:30,521 I try to respect Rimmer, but it's not easy. 84 00:05:30,607 --> 00:05:32,245 He's such a smeghead. 85 00:05:33,527 --> 00:05:36,599 Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception 86 00:05:36,687 --> 00:05:39,963 of the penalty for calling a superior technician a smeghead? 87 00:05:40,127 --> 00:05:44,279 0h, Rimmer. You ARE a smeghead. 88 00:05:45,287 --> 00:05:48,597 You heard that! With respect, sir, your career's finished, you big lig! 89 00:05:53,207 --> 00:05:57,280 We are gathered today to pay our last respects to George Mclntyre. 90 00:05:57,367 --> 00:05:59,881 George was an excellent officer 91 00:05:59,967 --> 00:06:02,356 and as good a friend as one could hope for. 92 00:06:02,447 --> 00:06:05,678 He'll be missed more deeply than he could ever know. 93 00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:09,555 Now, I commend his ashes to the stars he loved so much. 94 00:06:11,887 --> 00:06:14,447 Goodbye, George, we'll miss you. 95 00:06:16,527 --> 00:06:18,324 (WH00SH) 96 00:06:19,687 --> 00:06:23,805 This is a piece of music he requested. Start the tape, please. 97 00:06:23,887 --> 00:06:28,756 ♪ See you later, alligator In a while, crocodile... ♪ 98 00:06:29,727 --> 00:06:31,638 There goes Mclntyre. 99 00:06:31,727 --> 00:06:34,764 Goodbye George. 100 00:06:35,287 --> 00:06:39,678 - That was George! - I thought it was Mary Queen of Scots! 101 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,280 0ff! 102 00:06:41,447 --> 00:06:43,961 - I was watching that! - Tough! 103 00:06:44,607 --> 00:06:49,078 You touch that guitar and I'll remove the E string and garrotte you. 104 00:06:49,167 --> 00:06:53,001 Can I do anything? Is it 0K if I breathe? Can I breathe? 105 00:06:55,167 --> 00:06:57,840 I have an exam tomorrow and I intend to pass. 106 00:06:58,007 --> 00:06:59,998 By cheating. 107 00:07:00,167 --> 00:07:03,204 This is not cheating! It is merely an aid to memory. 108 00:07:03,287 --> 00:07:05,403 It helps me marshal the facts at my command. 109 00:07:05,487 --> 00:07:08,684 What? Copying entire textbooks onto your body? 110 00:07:08,767 --> 00:07:11,918 Hand your body in and let them mark that! 111 00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:16,083 Do you think it is easy for someone like me to become an officer? 112 00:07:16,167 --> 00:07:18,283 Who wasn't Academy educated? 113 00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:22,360 Who didn't have the right nobby background or the right parents? 114 00:07:22,527 --> 00:07:25,644 Not the right parents? Whose did you have? 115 00:07:26,767 --> 00:07:28,962 MY parents. The wrong parents. 116 00:07:29,047 --> 00:07:32,437 If you can't pass fair and square, why bother? 117 00:07:32,567 --> 00:07:35,445 You would, Lister, because you've no ambition, no drive. 118 00:07:35,527 --> 00:07:37,882 You're content to be the lowest rank on the ship. 119 00:07:38,047 --> 00:07:41,926 I'm not the lowest rank. What about the laboratory mice? 120 00:07:42,007 --> 00:07:44,965 Tell the mice to do something and they've got to jump to it. 121 00:07:45,047 --> 00:07:48,039 "Yes, Mr Lister, sir! Eee, eee, eee." 122 00:07:48,407 --> 00:07:50,716 Lister, you are a nothing. 123 00:07:50,807 --> 00:07:52,525 I'm not. I've got me plan. 124 00:07:52,687 --> 00:07:56,236 What, to be the slobbiest entity in the entire universe? 125 00:07:56,407 --> 00:07:59,046 No. Me Five Year Plan. 126 00:07:59,127 --> 00:08:02,437 I'm going to do two more trips. I've been saving up all me pay... 127 00:08:02,527 --> 00:08:04,757 - Since when? - Since always. 128 00:08:04,847 --> 00:08:08,237 That's why I don't buy soap, deodorant, socks or suchlike. 129 00:08:08,327 --> 00:08:11,160 I'm going to buy myself a little farm on Fiji 130 00:08:11,247 --> 00:08:14,159 and I'm going to get a sheep and a cow and breed horses. 131 00:08:17,407 --> 00:08:20,683 - With a sheep and a cow? - No, with horses and horses. 132 00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:23,759 - 0n Fiji? - Yeah! The prices are unbelievable. 133 00:08:23,927 --> 00:08:25,963 Yes, because of a volcanic eruption, 134 00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:28,277 now most of Fiji is three feet below sea level! 135 00:08:28,447 --> 00:08:30,438 It's only three feet. They can wade. 136 00:08:31,767 --> 00:08:34,759 That's why the animals are gonna have to be quite tall. 137 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:39,238 Nice plan, Lister! Excellent plan! Brilliant plan, Lister! 138 00:08:39,487 --> 00:08:42,843 What about the sheep? Buy them water wings? 139 00:08:43,447 --> 00:08:45,244 Fit them with stilts? 140 00:08:45,327 --> 00:08:49,525 Cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton! 141 00:08:49,607 --> 00:08:52,804 Baa, spoosh, baa, spoosh. 142 00:08:53,447 --> 00:08:56,041 You can get a drainage grant these days. 143 00:08:56,207 --> 00:08:59,199 Why bother? Be the first to produce wet-look knitwear! 144 00:09:00,287 --> 00:09:04,326 This is why I never said anything to you, I knew you'd be like this. 145 00:09:04,487 --> 00:09:07,126 You have got the brain of a cheese sandwich. 146 00:09:07,207 --> 00:09:09,198 (Y0KEL V0ICE) "Mornin', Farmer Lister! 147 00:09:09,287 --> 00:09:13,405 "Just popping to the shops in my submarine. Can I buy you anything?" 148 00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:18,446 The "Welcome Back George Mclntyre" reception is starting. 149 00:09:18,607 --> 00:09:20,404 Everybody is invited, 150 00:09:20,567 --> 00:09:23,957 especially those who weren't able to attend his funeral. 151 00:09:43,847 --> 00:09:47,442 - Have you seen Rimmer's arm? - No, I'm waiting for the paperback! 152 00:09:49,687 --> 00:09:51,882 Petersen, have you got a coin? 153 00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:56,641 Watch this great new intelligence test. 154 00:09:56,727 --> 00:09:59,605 What you gotta do is force the coin onto your forehead. 155 00:09:59,687 --> 00:10:04,841 The more times you bang yourself on the head without it falling, the more intelligent you are. 156 00:10:04,927 --> 00:10:08,044 - You gonna go for it? - (ALL) He's going for it! 157 00:10:08,127 --> 00:10:11,085 - Are you ready? Can you feel it? - Yeah! 158 00:10:11,167 --> 00:10:13,840 Can you feel it? Go! 159 00:10:13,927 --> 00:10:16,760 (ALL) Go on! Go for it! 160 00:10:16,967 --> 00:10:18,719 (ALL) Brrr... brrr... brrr. 161 00:10:18,927 --> 00:10:22,078 - Brrr... brrr... brrr... - Sh! Sh! 162 00:10:24,407 --> 00:10:27,717 Folks, today is a day for both sadness and joy. 163 00:10:27,807 --> 00:10:31,561 Sadness for the passing away of George, and joy, 164 00:10:31,647 --> 00:10:35,037 because George is back... albeit as a hologram. 165 00:10:35,127 --> 00:10:39,723 You may not have travelled with a hologram before - just treat him as a normal man, 166 00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:42,879 because he is in every respect like George. 167 00:10:42,967 --> 00:10:46,721 He has George's personality, knowledge and his experience. 168 00:10:46,807 --> 00:10:49,480 He can't lift or touch anything, 169 00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:52,365 so I ask you to cooperate with his requests. 170 00:10:52,447 --> 00:10:55,564 Please take care not to walk through him, 171 00:10:55,647 --> 00:10:57,638 not even when you're in a hurry. 172 00:10:57,807 --> 00:11:01,277 (ALL) Whoa! Whoa! Speech! Speech! 173 00:11:05,487 --> 00:11:10,641 I want to thank everybody for giving me such a marvellous funeral. 174 00:11:10,727 --> 00:11:12,718 I've just seen the vid. 175 00:11:12,887 --> 00:11:15,845 And I want to thank the Captain for his beautiful eulogy. 176 00:11:16,047 --> 00:11:17,799 Beautiful. 177 00:11:17,967 --> 00:11:20,435 But why didn't he use the one I wrote?! 178 00:11:23,607 --> 00:11:27,520 This must seem pretty spooky for everyone, 179 00:11:27,607 --> 00:11:31,998 but I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dead, 180 00:11:32,087 --> 00:11:35,716 more as someone who's no longer a threat to your marriages. 181 00:11:38,047 --> 00:11:39,560 Joe knows what I mean. 182 00:11:43,167 --> 00:11:48,082 As you know, Holly's only capable of sustaining one hologram. 183 00:11:48,167 --> 00:11:52,240 So, my advice to anyone more vital to the mission than me is: 184 00:11:52,327 --> 00:11:54,158 If you die, I'll kill you. 185 00:11:59,327 --> 00:12:02,444 Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake. 186 00:12:08,807 --> 00:12:10,798 Flight Coordinator George Mclntyre. 187 00:12:10,967 --> 00:12:12,639 (ALL) George! 188 00:12:12,727 --> 00:12:15,287 (S0ME0NE GARGLES) 189 00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:23,445 0K. Just one thing before the disco. 190 00:12:23,527 --> 00:12:26,599 Holly has sensed a non-human life form aboard. 191 00:12:27,007 --> 00:12:28,679 Sir, it's Rimmer! 192 00:12:28,847 --> 00:12:32,476 We don't know what it is, Lister. So just be careful, 0K? 193 00:12:32,647 --> 00:12:34,444 I'm turning you in, Rimmer. 194 00:12:34,527 --> 00:12:36,757 (GR0UP) 0oooh! 195 00:12:38,487 --> 00:12:40,842 They're bound to ask the right thigh, 196 00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:42,645 which is 10%. 197 00:12:42,727 --> 00:12:46,322 They must ask the left thigh, which is 20%. 198 00:12:46,407 --> 00:12:49,046 They've got to ask one of the forearms. 199 00:12:49,207 --> 00:12:52,517 Which means I've passed already! The left shin's a bonus! 200 00:12:54,727 --> 00:12:58,083 Right. Cutie: Current under tension is... 201 00:12:58,167 --> 00:13:00,965 What's this? Current under tension is equal? 202 00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:03,925 Current under tension is expandable? 203 00:13:04,007 --> 00:13:06,475 Current under tension is expensive? 204 00:13:06,567 --> 00:13:10,640 What does this mean? What does any of this mean? 205 00:13:10,727 --> 00:13:13,605 I've covered my body in complete and utter 206 00:13:13,687 --> 00:13:17,077 and total absolute nonsense gibberish! 207 00:13:17,167 --> 00:13:21,285 Aaaargh! Just relax, relax, relax, relax... 208 00:13:22,407 --> 00:13:25,444 Er, plus 20% of the ship's course minus 209 00:13:25,527 --> 00:13:29,076 the Pythagoras theorem multiplied by two over the x axis 210 00:13:29,167 --> 00:13:31,237 minus one equals the total velocity of Red Dwarf, 211 00:13:31,327 --> 00:13:32,840 so I know about astro-engineering. 212 00:13:32,927 --> 00:13:35,395 Morning, Lister, for probably the last time. 213 00:13:36,287 --> 00:13:38,562 Got it all down, have you, Rimmer? 214 00:13:38,647 --> 00:13:40,763 Couple of blanks, but I think I'm there. 215 00:13:40,847 --> 00:13:43,361 So you can't remember anything? 216 00:13:43,487 --> 00:13:45,523 Think what you will, Lister. 217 00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:50,078 F-l-S-H, that's how you spell "Fish". Then you just keel over. 218 00:13:50,167 --> 00:13:52,362 I'm sure it'll all come flooding back. 219 00:13:52,527 --> 00:13:55,599 Dry up, Lister. (INTERC0M H0NKS) 220 00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:59,005 Entrants for the engineer's examination, 221 00:13:59,087 --> 00:14:01,123 make their way to the teaching room. 222 00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:03,482 Well, Rimmer, honestly, good luck. 223 00:14:05,087 --> 00:14:09,399 It's all right, Lister. I'm in complete and total control. 224 00:14:17,207 --> 00:14:19,960 Lock! Lock! 225 00:14:21,447 --> 00:14:23,483 (CAT MIA0WS) 226 00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:35,077 Frankenstein! Come on, Frankenstein! 227 00:14:41,927 --> 00:14:44,999 0h, you're getting really big now, you know? 228 00:14:45,087 --> 00:14:48,841 I hope it's not twins. You've already got all me milk ration. 229 00:14:48,927 --> 00:14:52,886 When the baby cat comes, we'll give it water and pretend it's milk. 230 00:14:52,967 --> 00:14:54,923 It's only a baby cat, it won't know, eh? 231 00:14:55,007 --> 00:14:57,680 Do you want to see my picture of Fiji, Frankie? 232 00:14:57,767 --> 00:15:00,235 You'll love it there. Look. 233 00:15:05,367 --> 00:15:07,597 0K. You've got three hours. 234 00:15:07,687 --> 00:15:10,759 No modems, no speaking slide-rules. 235 00:15:10,847 --> 00:15:13,281 Turn over and start. Good luck. 236 00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:44,319 - Where's the Captain's office? - Where it says, "Captain's 0ffice". 237 00:16:44,407 --> 00:16:47,558 - Where it's always been. - So that's the Captain's office! 238 00:16:47,647 --> 00:16:50,115 - How are you, then? - Fine. 239 00:16:50,207 --> 00:16:51,799 Do you know why he wants me? 240 00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:54,447 I think you've been promoted to Admiral! 241 00:16:54,527 --> 00:16:56,165 - 0h, yeah? - Yeah. 242 00:16:56,247 --> 00:17:00,160 - For your devotion to duty. - 0h, yeah. 243 00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:02,318 Lister! 244 00:17:06,127 --> 00:17:08,038 You asked to see me, Captain? 245 00:17:08,727 --> 00:17:12,925 - Where's the cat? - What? What cat? 246 00:17:13,167 --> 00:17:16,443 Lister, not only are you so stupid 247 00:17:16,527 --> 00:17:18,677 you bring an unquarantined animal 248 00:17:18,767 --> 00:17:21,281 and jeopardise everyone on this ship... 249 00:17:21,367 --> 00:17:25,406 but you take a photo of yourself with the cat 250 00:17:25,487 --> 00:17:27,955 and have it internally processed. 251 00:17:29,247 --> 00:17:32,125 I'll ask you again, do you have a cat? 252 00:17:32,327 --> 00:17:35,080 - No. - Have you got a cat? 253 00:17:35,247 --> 00:17:37,124 Er, yes, that one. 254 00:17:37,287 --> 00:17:39,278 - Where did you get it, Titan? - Yes. 255 00:17:39,367 --> 00:17:42,006 Don't you realise it could be carrying "anything"? 256 00:17:42,087 --> 00:17:45,079 Don't you remember what happened on 0regon with the rabbits? 257 00:17:45,167 --> 00:17:48,204 Lister, a loose animal aboard this ship could get anywhere. 258 00:17:48,287 --> 00:17:51,165 It could get into the air ducts or into Holly. 259 00:17:51,247 --> 00:17:54,205 A little nibble here and a little nibble there, Lister, 260 00:17:54,287 --> 00:17:56,926 and suddenly, we're flying backwards. 261 00:17:57,007 --> 00:17:59,521 I want that cat, and I want it N0W. 262 00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:03,600 Sir, just suppose I did have a cat. Just suppose. 263 00:18:03,687 --> 00:18:05,996 What would you do with Frankenstein? 264 00:18:06,167 --> 00:18:09,955 Send it to the medical centre, have it cut up and tests run on it. 265 00:18:10,127 --> 00:18:12,357 Would you put it back together, after? 266 00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:15,527 Lister, the cat would be dead. 267 00:18:15,647 --> 00:18:18,400 With respect, sir, what's in it for the cat? 268 00:18:18,567 --> 00:18:20,319 Give me that cat. 269 00:18:20,487 --> 00:18:24,196 It's not that easy. Me and the cat are going to have a baby cat, 270 00:18:24,287 --> 00:18:27,165 and we're going to buy a farm on Fiji, 271 00:18:27,247 --> 00:18:29,807 with a sheep and a cow and three horses. 272 00:18:29,887 --> 00:18:34,324 It's me plan, and no one can get in the way, not even you, and I do respect you. 273 00:18:34,527 --> 00:18:36,518 - Sir! - Lister, 274 00:18:36,607 --> 00:18:40,520 do you want to go into stasis and forfeit 18 months' wages? 275 00:18:40,607 --> 00:18:42,404 - No - Hand over the cat? 276 00:18:42,487 --> 00:18:45,445 - No. - Choose. 277 00:18:46,687 --> 00:18:50,965 - Dave, no one wants to do this. - It's 0K, I can handle it. 278 00:18:52,607 --> 00:18:55,644 - Rimmer, are you all right? - I can't really remember. 279 00:18:55,727 --> 00:18:57,718 I think I did quite well. 280 00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:03,085 - Is this going to hurt? - Haven't you travelled interstellar? 281 00:19:03,167 --> 00:19:04,839 - No - You don't feel a thing. 282 00:19:04,927 --> 00:19:07,725 The stasis room creates a static field of time. 283 00:19:07,807 --> 00:19:12,198 As X-rays can't pass through lead, time can't penetrate a stasis field. 284 00:19:12,287 --> 00:19:14,801 Though you exist, you no longer exist in time, 285 00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:16,798 and for you time does not exist. 286 00:19:16,887 --> 00:19:20,243 You're still a mass, but no longer an event in space-time, 287 00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,966 a non-event mass with quantum probability of zero. 288 00:19:23,047 --> 00:19:24,719 Simple, eh? 289 00:19:25,087 --> 00:19:27,840 - 0K, I'm ready. - See you in 18 months. 290 00:19:29,447 --> 00:19:32,723 - Holly, activate the stasis field. - 0K, Frank. 291 00:19:53,647 --> 00:19:57,322 Good morning, Dave. It is safe for you to emerge from stasis. 292 00:19:57,407 --> 00:20:01,195 - Haven't I just gone in? - Go to the Drive Room for debriefing. 293 00:20:06,647 --> 00:20:08,638 Where is everybody, Hol? 294 00:20:08,727 --> 00:20:11,605 - They're dead, Dave. - Who is? 295 00:20:11,687 --> 00:20:15,566 - Everybody, Dave. - What, Captain Hollister? 296 00:20:15,647 --> 00:20:19,322 - Everybody's dead, Dave. - What, Todhunter? 297 00:20:19,407 --> 00:20:23,639 - Everybody's dead, Dave. - What, Selby? 298 00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:26,560 They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave. 299 00:20:27,407 --> 00:20:31,002 - Petersen isn't, is he? - Everybody is dead, Dave. 300 00:20:31,767 --> 00:20:35,555 - Not Chen? - Gordon Bennetl Yesl Everybody. 301 00:20:35,647 --> 00:20:38,445 - Everybody's dead, Dave. - Rimmer? 302 00:20:38,527 --> 00:20:42,520 He's dead, Dave. Everybody's dead. Everybody is dead, Davel 303 00:20:42,607 --> 00:20:46,998 Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead? 304 00:20:49,007 --> 00:20:50,998 I wish I'd never let him out. 305 00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:54,796 - How? - The drive plate was badly repaired. 306 00:20:54,887 --> 00:20:59,039 It blew, and the crew was subjected to a lethal dose of cadmium 2 307 00:20:59,127 --> 00:21:00,765 before I could seal the area. 308 00:21:00,847 --> 00:21:05,204 0h, terrible. Why's it so dirty here, Hol? What is this stuff? 309 00:21:05,287 --> 00:21:07,881 That is Catering Officer Olaf Petersen. 310 00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:11,721 Aaaah! I've been eating half the crew! 311 00:21:12,687 --> 00:21:15,201 - Who's that? - That's Captain Hollister. 312 00:21:15,367 --> 00:21:18,439 - And that's Todhunter. - No, Second Technician Rimmer. 313 00:21:18,607 --> 00:21:22,395 0h, yeah? I didn't recognise him without his report book. 314 00:21:22,807 --> 00:21:24,843 Why was Rimmer in the Drive Room? 315 00:21:25,007 --> 00:21:28,682 He was explaining why he hadn't sealed the drive plate properly. 316 00:21:28,847 --> 00:21:32,726 So wait on. How long was I in stasis? 317 00:21:32,807 --> 00:21:36,561 I couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe level. 318 00:21:36,647 --> 00:21:39,366 - How long? - Three million years. 319 00:21:39,527 --> 00:21:41,643 Three million years! 320 00:21:42,727 --> 00:21:44,957 I've still got that library book. 321 00:21:46,407 --> 00:21:49,205 What about Krissie? Krissie Kochanski? 322 00:21:49,287 --> 00:21:51,926 - She's dead, Dave. - Aw, hey! 323 00:21:52,087 --> 00:21:56,956 It's no consolation, but if she were still alive, the age difference would be insurmountable. 324 00:21:57,167 --> 00:21:59,920 She was part of me plan. 325 00:22:00,007 --> 00:22:03,522 I never told her, but she was going to come with me to Fiji. 326 00:22:03,607 --> 00:22:06,360 She was to wear a white dress and ride the horses. 327 00:22:06,447 --> 00:22:10,360 I was going to take care of everything else. I planned it. 328 00:22:10,527 --> 00:22:13,087 She won't be much use to you on Fiji now... 329 00:22:13,167 --> 00:22:16,079 unless it snows and you need to grit the path. 330 00:22:19,527 --> 00:22:22,758 - Holly! - Sorry. I'm sorry about that. 331 00:22:22,847 --> 00:22:26,442 I've been on me own for three million years. I say what I think. 332 00:22:26,607 --> 00:22:29,246 I've gone a bit peculiar, to tell the truth. 333 00:22:29,567 --> 00:22:32,320 So everyone's dead? I'm on me own? Just me? 334 00:22:32,407 --> 00:22:35,956 - Technically speaking, yes. - What do you mean, "technically"? 335 00:22:38,647 --> 00:22:41,525 Hello, Lister. Long time no see. 336 00:22:41,687 --> 00:22:44,963 - Rimmer, you're a hologram! - Yes. That's because I'm dead. 337 00:22:45,047 --> 00:22:48,562 Dead as a can of Spam. And it's all thanks to you. 338 00:22:48,647 --> 00:22:52,356 - Me? What did I do? - If you hadn't kept that stupid cat, 339 00:22:52,447 --> 00:22:56,565 and been sent to stasis, I would have had help with the repairs and I wouldn't be dead. 340 00:22:56,647 --> 00:22:59,559 - What does it feel like? - Death? 341 00:22:59,647 --> 00:23:02,525 It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans. 342 00:23:02,927 --> 00:23:05,600 No, I mean being a hologram. 343 00:23:06,767 --> 00:23:10,237 Do you mind? Being a hologram is fine, Lister. 344 00:23:10,327 --> 00:23:13,524 I still have the same drives, the same feelings, emotions, 345 00:23:13,607 --> 00:23:16,075 but I can't touch anything. 346 00:23:16,167 --> 00:23:19,159 Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek, 347 00:23:19,247 --> 00:23:21,636 cradle a laughing child, 348 00:23:21,727 --> 00:23:24,195 or interfere with a woman sexually. 349 00:23:24,687 --> 00:23:27,406 Rimmer, you never did those things anyway! 350 00:23:27,527 --> 00:23:30,519 - I would have one day, murderer. - Hey, I didn't do anything! 351 00:23:30,607 --> 00:23:33,758 It was Y0U who didn't fix the drive plates properly. 352 00:23:33,927 --> 00:23:36,043 - Is this me here? - Yeah. 353 00:23:36,127 --> 00:23:38,800 Rimmer, look on the bright side. 354 00:23:38,887 --> 00:23:41,560 The bright side? What bright side? 355 00:23:41,647 --> 00:23:44,366 I'm dead. I'm composed entirely of light, 356 00:23:44,447 --> 00:23:48,884 and I'm alone with a man who'd lose a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana! 357 00:23:49,087 --> 00:23:51,157 What's an iguana? 358 00:23:51,247 --> 00:23:54,125 Look, look, you're not dead, are ya? 359 00:23:54,207 --> 00:23:57,916 You're dead! But not "dead" dead, 'cause you're still here! 360 00:23:58,007 --> 00:24:01,716 Lister, I'm not really here! I'm not really me! Don't you see? 361 00:24:01,807 --> 00:24:04,037 I'm a computer simulation of me. 362 00:24:04,127 --> 00:24:07,722 That's me, there, a pile of albino mouse droppings. 363 00:24:07,807 --> 00:24:09,957 Come on. Lots of people have died. 364 00:24:10,047 --> 00:24:13,119 Lots have died and gone on and done really, really well. 365 00:24:13,207 --> 00:24:15,482 You're a hologram. So what? 366 00:24:15,647 --> 00:24:19,242 I suppose you're right, Lister. I've got to pull myself together. 367 00:24:19,327 --> 00:24:22,683 But you've got to help me. Be my hands and my touch. 368 00:24:22,767 --> 00:24:25,884 I know what you like to touch. No way, Rimmer. Forget it. 369 00:24:27,047 --> 00:24:28,924 Are you smoking? In the Drive Room? 370 00:24:29,087 --> 00:24:32,477 Yeah. I stopped for a while, but I'm back on them now. 371 00:24:32,767 --> 00:24:34,758 You're on report, squire. 372 00:24:38,847 --> 00:24:41,680 I can't write it down. I'll remember it. 373 00:24:41,967 --> 00:24:45,516 0hhh! Rimmer, I know it's wrong to speak ill of the dead and all 374 00:24:45,607 --> 00:24:48,440 - but you're still a smeghead. - I beg your pardon? 375 00:24:48,527 --> 00:24:50,518 I said, you're still a smeghead. 376 00:24:50,607 --> 00:24:52,598 Do you have any conception of the penalty 377 00:24:52,687 --> 00:24:55,679 for calling a deceased superior technician a smeghead? 378 00:25:07,807 --> 00:25:12,835 - Lister, listen to me. Just listen. - Just shut up. Shut up. 379 00:25:19,967 --> 00:25:23,039 Aaahhh! Aow! Eeee! 380 00:25:23,127 --> 00:25:25,960 Aow, eee, how am I looking? 381 00:25:28,727 --> 00:25:32,356 Looking nice. No, wait a minute. 382 00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:35,598 I'm looking better than nice. I'm looking dangerous. 383 00:25:35,687 --> 00:25:40,442 Aaaoooww. Dangerous! Aaaooowww! Hey, what's that? 384 00:25:41,927 --> 00:25:45,840 0h, it's my shadow. Hey, even my shadow's looking nice. 385 00:25:45,927 --> 00:25:49,761 I'm looking nice. My shadow's looking nice. What a team! 386 00:25:49,847 --> 00:25:53,396 We are unbelievable! 0K, team, this way. 387 00:25:54,127 --> 00:25:57,517 No, this way. Aaaoowww... 388 00:25:57,607 --> 00:26:01,486 Aaaoowww, yeah. This way! 389 00:26:02,087 --> 00:26:04,123 Lister, hold on, listen to me... 390 00:26:04,407 --> 00:26:07,080 Aaaooowww! 391 00:26:08,847 --> 00:26:12,965 Uh, oh! Better make myself look big! 392 00:26:16,607 --> 00:26:20,122 Hee hee! Fearsome. I was fearsome! 393 00:26:20,207 --> 00:26:23,802 394 00:26:23,887 --> 00:26:26,162 Come on, boy! 395 00:26:27,887 --> 00:26:32,961 Aaahhh! Holly, what was that? 396 00:26:33,727 --> 00:26:36,446 During the radioactive crisis, your cat and her kittens 397 00:26:36,527 --> 00:26:38,483 were safely sealed in the hold, 398 00:26:38,567 --> 00:26:40,398 breeding for three million years, 399 00:26:40,487 --> 00:26:45,163 - and evolved into what you just saw. - I don't get it. 400 00:26:45,647 --> 00:26:48,605 - You know man evolved from apes? - Yeah, I know that. 401 00:26:48,767 --> 00:26:51,804 He evolved from cats. His ancestors were cats. 402 00:26:51,887 --> 00:26:54,765 He descended from cats. He is a cat. 403 00:26:55,127 --> 00:26:58,836 Aaahhh, ooohhh, yeah... 404 00:26:59,367 --> 00:27:02,165 Hello... Cat? 405 00:27:02,367 --> 00:27:05,200 Whoa! Crease! 406 00:27:07,927 --> 00:27:11,124 Stand back, Lister. (SH0UTS INC0HERENTLY) 407 00:27:17,847 --> 00:27:20,566 - Here you go, Cat. - Ah, crispies! 408 00:27:20,647 --> 00:27:22,922 - Holly says you like these. - Mmmm! 409 00:27:23,167 --> 00:27:25,476 Hey! You monkeys eat off the floor? 410 00:27:25,567 --> 00:27:28,843 Ain't you got no style or sophistication? 411 00:27:28,927 --> 00:27:31,202 I'm sorry, Cat. I'm sorry. 412 00:27:31,607 --> 00:27:33,598 You people are unbelievable. 413 00:27:37,047 --> 00:27:41,165 - Where are your catty friends? - Good crispies, man! 414 00:27:41,247 --> 00:27:44,444 Where are your kitties? Are they gone? Are they dead? Have they left? 415 00:27:44,607 --> 00:27:47,075 Who cares? I want it off the ship! 416 00:27:47,167 --> 00:27:50,398 No! He's coming home with us, aren't you, Cat? 417 00:27:50,487 --> 00:27:52,876 Home? And where is that? 418 00:27:53,047 --> 00:27:56,005 - Earth. - Who says there'll be an Earth? 419 00:27:56,087 --> 00:27:58,647 Look what it's done to a pet in three million years. 420 00:27:58,807 --> 00:28:01,002 What has humankind evolved into? 421 00:28:01,167 --> 00:28:04,876 To them, you'll be like the slime that first crawled out the oceans. 422 00:28:05,047 --> 00:28:07,925 - I could smarten meself up. - Nah, you're a dinosaur. 423 00:28:08,007 --> 00:28:11,602 - You're extinct, nothing. - Hey! I've still got me plan. 424 00:28:11,687 --> 00:28:15,566 And I've still got a cat. Not Frankenstein, but still a cat. 425 00:28:15,687 --> 00:28:17,598 - Did you say Frankenstein? - Yeah. 426 00:28:17,687 --> 00:28:20,759 She was your great, great, great, great, great, grandmother. 427 00:28:20,847 --> 00:28:24,806 The Holy Mother? The Virgin Birth? No one believes that stuff. 428 00:28:24,887 --> 00:28:27,401 The Virgin Birth?! 429 00:28:27,487 --> 00:28:30,081 No, it was a big black tom on Titan. 430 00:28:30,247 --> 00:28:33,603 Frankenstein, yeah! I remember that stuff from kitty school. 431 00:28:33,687 --> 00:28:37,566 The Holy Mother, saved by Cloister the Stupid, 432 00:28:37,647 --> 00:28:39,683 who was frozen in time, 433 00:28:39,767 --> 00:28:41,962 and gaveth his life that we might live. 434 00:28:42,047 --> 00:28:46,404 No! No, it's not Cloister, it's me, it's Lister! 435 00:28:46,487 --> 00:28:48,842 It's Lister the... stupid?! 436 00:28:50,007 --> 00:28:54,398 Who shall returneth to lead us to Fuchal, the Promised Land. 437 00:28:54,487 --> 00:28:57,206 No, it's not Fuchal, it's Fiji! 438 00:28:57,287 --> 00:28:59,278 I will! I'll lead you there. 439 00:28:59,367 --> 00:29:03,838 That's where we're going. Holly, plot a course for Fiji. 440 00:29:03,927 --> 00:29:07,681 Look out, Earth. The slime's coming home! 441 00:29:12,167 --> 00:29:15,955 There's no kind of atmosphere 442 00:29:16,047 --> 00:29:19,278 443 00:29:19,367 --> 00:29:22,439 444 00:29:22,527 --> 00:29:25,678 445 00:29:25,767 --> 00:29:29,077 446 00:29:29,167 --> 00:29:32,682 447 00:29:32,767 --> 00:29:35,804 448 00:29:35,887 --> 00:29:39,277 449 00:29:39,367 --> 00:29:41,358 450 00:29:41,847 --> 00:29:45,726 451 00:29:45,807 --> 00:29:48,799 452 00:29:48,887 --> 00:29:52,482